Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Hello world! It's been such a long time since this boring old, blogger has made an entry.

These past few months have been whack. Lots of downs and hardly any ups. We're still stranded in that B status and aren't allowed to travel overseas. Well just my parents actually. To make things worse, the problems just keep coming. And the most important day in my life is gone. The thing that could finally tide us over this financial crisis of over 8 years is ruined thanks to a greedy "trustee". Quarter of a million burnt in just a couple of days in stocks and shares.

I'm really tired people. I've done the very best i can to try and support the family but my part time job's pay isn't enough. There's only so much one person can do. It really sucks to be human. This mortifying feeling. Feeling useless as it is. Sometimes i find myself so naive. thinking i can just take all these problems and solve them all on my own.

I'm really sorry i turned out this way grandma. I shouldn't have been so willful and let my emotions affect my studies. I should have studied hard and become a doctor and continue the jap family's occupation just like the rest of my cousins. And i really regret that now. I can't help but think that if i did something different, we could have been in a better situation by now. Even though it's been a 10 yrs, Mom, Dad and sis haven't been able to get over the fact that we lost everything. For me, i've become acustomed to our current life. There are times i look back and really miss the times we spent at the old house. The 3 storey bungalow with an attic, swimming pool, basement and garden not forgetting the basketball stand we had built in near the pool. But life for me has always been normal. Even though we were rich at one point of time, i always had the shorter end of the broom stick. So even now, either than the huge change in living enviroments.. i've come to terms with it..

I'm really losing my funny bones, my big wide smiles. I really can't tell much jokes nowadays that are funny. I'm drained mentally and physically. I don't think i know " funny" anymore. At point of times, i really wished i wasn't born. Because it's hard living in these conditions if there isn't any room to breathe. I'm sorry i can't keep my promise to ben. I can't keep that smiling even as the world around me collapses or no matter how sad i am. Even my fake smile is failling. I can't keep the act up anymore. I've broken down one too many times. I will do what is the best course of action to keep my family going and not just think whether it's right.

I'm going to do my best to work everything out and stick to the original plan of going over to England on a short trip to see how things are there. If all is fine, we should be migrating after i complete my NS. Well... so i believe.

Someone always asked me, why do i always sound like this is goodbye forever whenever i say my goodbyes. Maybe it's because from the start, 10 years ago, i had already made up my mind to leave this country for good. =(