Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Do you believe in Previous Lives?

I don't really know if there is such a thing but, If there was, I could probably be a little less inquisitive. Because if there was such a thing, I could probably blame everything that's happening and going through on it.

Like say, i could just tell myself " All of this is happening cause i was a evil, mean, crook that did so many bad things in my past life and i'm making up for it now". And just accept it.. but.. =(

Having to do so many things which should not actually concern me at that moment of time is really getting to me. How i envy those kids/people that didn't have to see the harshness of this world so early in their lives. Some are even good for their whole life never having to worry about bills, mortgage loans, debts, credit card debts, Court cases & whether we actually have enough money to last us through the month.

I remember since young, All i ever wished for was a normal, simple life. As long as we could afford to pay the bills & not worry about having to pay debts and when everyone was happy most of the time it would be the best wish i could ever wish for.

The day which i had placed all my hope on is gone. My 21st birthday was supposed to be the day where i could finally receive the amount of money that Aunt Miao left aside for me but thanks to a certain someone, the money's all gone now. The money that i could have used to tide us over is gone and i'm so stressed up.

WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN! HOW GREEDY CAN U GET WOMAN? WHY DID U HAVE TO SCREW THINGS UP? JUST CAUSE YOU WANTED TO MAKE SOME EXTRA CASH, YOU DECIDED TO TOUCH THE MONEY U WERE TRUSTED TO KEEP SAFE. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!

Damn You! You never knew how hard it was for us. These past few years since the Bankruptcy, we had such a hard time trying to cope. It took some time till mom and sis found some jobs & I shortly after that. But mom's health wasn't always good that she had to stop working and keep going for medical checkups regularly.

Even so, You didn't do your job as a trustee well. You, unreasonably pushing back the dates by weeks, when we should be collecting the monthly expenses that aunt miao gives us to tide us through monthly on time. Forcing us to scrimp and save to the last dollar. The worse u did was take out extra cash from that sum and claiming it was for our handphone bills Which was totally ridiculous and you had nothing to say and gave a black face when we caught u red handed.

Why do u have to add more to the long list of problems i already have?

Look i know i've been complaining about this time and time again in my blog but i'm sorry, i'm not as strong as u people think i am. I'm just human. There's so many things to be done and so little time to do it all. It's frustrating! And there's not much i can do.

I'm sorry if i'm not a funny guy anymore and i'm just going about being emo. But there's really a limit. I'm not superman. I admit i'm weak. I can't be fun anymore because i'm always on the verge of breaking down. I'm so tired of being misunderstood.

I know i'd probably get that pep-talk the one where. "You're misunderstood because u dont let people know how u truly feel and if i don't try to understand the other person, That person wouldn't understand me either" kinda talk. But What do u know?

Do you feel the pain and stress i feel? I've tried doing that before. But what happened in the end? I'd just get pity from people. They still don't understand and they never will. I don't want to be that "pitiful person" anymore. People treating u nice just cause they pity u But not treating u equally as a friend. It's really taxing to have that kind of relationship. In the end when they get tired, they just leave and forget all about it.

I'm trying my hardest to make a damn difference but just when i see a silver-lining, A few more problems come along to take it's place. The only reason why i'm still alive is cause of my family if not i really would have just killed myself awhile back. I really feel like just ending my life to be done with it all.

I really don't know how many more years of this i can take, i've already made it to my 9th year this year. I really hope i can just settle all of it and be done. I've lost my youth and my childhood, how many more years does it have to take?

Now i know, being the head of the house isn't an easy thing. Having to make alot of decisions and making sure everyone and everything is alrite. It really takes it's toll on me. It's sad to say, but sometimes i feel i'm the only adult at home. Because i have fix things. From the biggest to the smallest things. =(

I made a promise to myself since i was 12, if i ever manage to find that special someone and if we got married and have kids, i'd definitely treat them well and make sure i'm well to do so that they wouldn't have to face the same things i've did. But that's if i manage to stay alive and get out of this hell hole first. =/

Hope i don't go lose my sanity over all this shit. =/