Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Just like the other times... i've broken down again. Silently crying. God i'm so tired of fighting.. =( i'm financially, emotionally, physically drained. i broke down on this nite. Again.

No matter how much i want to understand, to be reasonable, to be strong. i just cant.

There are times when ppl like us just breakdown and let everything out. Because we usually keep things to ourselves. Trying to solve everything with our own ways. The pain keeps adding on till we can't hold it in much longer..

From living in a 3 storey bungalow with an attic and a basement to moving houses here and there from rented terraces to HDBs. The big mansion like house with the outdoor pool, tree house, gym, study room, library, guest rooms and many bedrooms with the big front gate that always gave a warm sense of home.. It was all taken away because of a failed business venture. The people who were the closest to my parents.. sucking up all the money+fraud and leaving the company with losses. All because of them, my life took a huge fall. sending our family plunging nose first into the ground from the highest point.. we became Bankrupts.

I still can't forget that fateful day when i got home from sch and took a nap. Only to be awakened by the sounds of ppl from the bank coming into the house.. sticking red stickers all over the property and furniture. "property of the government" seals. just like that u'd see on the 1 dollar coin. it still bugs me at times when i stare at a dollar coin.. =/

The people who claimed to be gd frens, shunned my family after we lost the house. Pretending not to know us. Treating us like beggars and gossiping about us behind our backs. Even the kids i used to hang around with at church. they gave me that " oh my mommy told me nt to talk to you.. you're dad's a bankrupt!" even the first gal i liked, sarah said the same thing.. and her mom was the one spreading all the rumours.. it felt like hell. that was teh first time my heart broke. When we were well to do, rich, her mom would always act frenly and allow her to spend as much time as she could with me.. but aft all that happened.. Soon everyone else including her.. avoided us like the plague.. no matter where we moved to, somehow the rumours spread and ppl were gossiping. making me realise how small people could be. Only gossiping about others but not themselves and giving that rude faces whenever they saw us. Suprisingly even a pri sch teacher of mine made fun of me everyday at sch because he heard about my family's problem. instead of keeping it to himself, he made it a point to torture me everyday by making me the center of attention. making everyone laugh at me. it lasted for a yr and it was hell. there was this one time when i was heading to the sch bus aft sch and it was a rainy day.. i slipped and fell on the hill. i kept rolling till i ended up under another sch bus.. the other students could only look and laugh at me in my plight and not one person came to help me out from under the bus. alot of familliar faces were in the crowd, but they all just walked past laughing.. the bus was starting and i panicked. i didnt want to die undder a bus.. so i kept struggling till i managed to get out from under the bus. that day i went home with cuts all over. nobody asked me what happened and i just kept it to myself.

when i gt to secondary sch, i thought things had changed. i could start a new, But the first 2 yrs were rough. Was getting bullied in class. everyday i'd get beaten by the tough guys in class. and i just kept to myself, and saying "it doesnt hurt at all " whenever i was beaten. But that got me even more. At first there were bruising, but after awhile my body gt used to it and i didnt bruise anymore. and i carried on with like that till one day i finally snapped and punched a guy in the chest when he was beating me. he had internal bleeding and he was bleeding from the nose. had to bring him down to the office str away. Not sure because of that, that all the beating stopped or because they gt tired of it. After awhile it became more peaceful in the classroom and everyone was cool with everyone. there wasnt much fighting whatsoever.

I wont lie. I really hated my parents for a long period of time for putting us in this mess.. But i learnt hw to think and understand and i forgave them. But after forgiving them, i still had this empty feeling inside of me. i lost so much of me. my happiness, my smile, my character. Nothing could ever make me happy. and soon i was given the nicks " iron man, cold hearted prince". showing no emotion, being sarcastic and mean.

I always wanted to feel love. Just looking at couples would just make me go, "Aww.. hw great it would be if i could have someone to spend my life with living blissfully". In my life so far, there have been 4 gals who made my heart feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.. with my cheeks blushing.. 1 of which i got together with. But we didnt last past 3 months. We didnt get to meet at all after we gt together.. and in the end it ended even though i looked pass the fact that i was being cheated on and tried to save the relationship.. i have no experience in chasing aft gals.. i only managed to get together with her after knwing she was interested in me.. guess i'm useless.. tt's why it nvr lasted. but funny way things work.. we're chatting on msn these days and it's been great.. atleast better than hating each other..

the other 3 i let slip past me.. i just couldnt tell them hw i felt about them even though i wanted so much to. one, we lost contact after graduation, the second one, got together with a fren for a long time. and the third, i was always too shy around her. when i wanted to tell her hw i felt by bringing her to the place i had spent a few days searching for.. giving her a boquet of paper flowers i made asking to be my gal, i wasnt able to meet her. i picked a bad day, as she had made plans to go out with her bffs on valentines day. Yes, silly me. after that day i backed down.. i just couldnt find my courage anywhere. i couldnt tell her hw i felt.. i plucked up so much courage just to do it on that day.. but it just crumbled. And soon nt long after that, she gt attached.
But yet again.. funny thing is hw things work out. She's seems real happy with her bf now and i'm truly happy for her. because somehow i knw he can provide for her even more than i can.

recently, the second gal broke up with my fren and i was sort of happy for her because he was treating her unfairly most of the time when they were together. we started chatting a little more often and going out together and i really enjoyed myself... even though there were times she was complaining over teh phone but i found it to be cute. i would listen to her and try to help her out as much as i could. But i guess it was onesided. it always is, i got the wrong impression and i confessed to her only to be turned down. Perhaps i was a little late. but she gt togetther with another fren who's also been there for her and i think they're really happy now. i wont say i'm nt sad. because that'd be a lie. perhaps its just me. i give up easily. i knw u may find it hard to believe but i really am happy just knowing she's happy. i'm really nt decieving myself.

i find myself to be a weak person. nt being able to fight for wat i want. but i guess its because i dun think i can ever provide for them. i'm afraid. i'm scared. after all tat's happened in my life i've become a coward. and all i can do is wish for the ones i like/love to be happy and just be happy to knw that they are. i'm trying so hard to shake this off. but it just isnt working so far. i want to be a little stronger. to be able to have some confidence and to be able to be fianancialy stable.

i'm not that spoilt kid anymore. but a emo kid. i keep falling down. the hurt keeps me down. after getting over smth, i find myself falling again.

i guess when it comes to the gals i like, i fall too deeply too fast. it's bad. =/

God.. i cant live this way anymore. I knw this might not sound like a guy rite nw, but i really want to get hugged and being told that "everythings alrite" because i'm feeling very miserable now..

or should i just go on a holiday?

i'm Lost.. =(