Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Do you believe in Previous Lives?

I don't really know if there is such a thing but, If there was, I could probably be a little less inquisitive. Because if there was such a thing, I could probably blame everything that's happening and going through on it.

Like say, i could just tell myself " All of this is happening cause i was a evil, mean, crook that did so many bad things in my past life and i'm making up for it now". And just accept it.. but.. =(

Having to do so many things which should not actually concern me at that moment of time is really getting to me. How i envy those kids/people that didn't have to see the harshness of this world so early in their lives. Some are even good for their whole life never having to worry about bills, mortgage loans, debts, credit card debts, Court cases & whether we actually have enough money to last us through the month.

I remember since young, All i ever wished for was a normal, simple life. As long as we could afford to pay the bills & not worry about having to pay debts and when everyone was happy most of the time it would be the best wish i could ever wish for.

The day which i had placed all my hope on is gone. My 21st birthday was supposed to be the day where i could finally receive the amount of money that Aunt Miao left aside for me but thanks to a certain someone, the money's all gone now. The money that i could have used to tide us over is gone and i'm so stressed up.

WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN! HOW GREEDY CAN U GET WOMAN? WHY DID U HAVE TO SCREW THINGS UP? JUST CAUSE YOU WANTED TO MAKE SOME EXTRA CASH, YOU DECIDED TO TOUCH THE MONEY U WERE TRUSTED TO KEEP SAFE. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!

Damn You! You never knew how hard it was for us. These past few years since the Bankruptcy, we had such a hard time trying to cope. It took some time till mom and sis found some jobs & I shortly after that. But mom's health wasn't always good that she had to stop working and keep going for medical checkups regularly.

Even so, You didn't do your job as a trustee well. You, unreasonably pushing back the dates by weeks, when we should be collecting the monthly expenses that aunt miao gives us to tide us through monthly on time. Forcing us to scrimp and save to the last dollar. The worse u did was take out extra cash from that sum and claiming it was for our handphone bills Which was totally ridiculous and you had nothing to say and gave a black face when we caught u red handed.

Why do u have to add more to the long list of problems i already have?

Look i know i've been complaining about this time and time again in my blog but i'm sorry, i'm not as strong as u people think i am. I'm just human. There's so many things to be done and so little time to do it all. It's frustrating! And there's not much i can do.

I'm sorry if i'm not a funny guy anymore and i'm just going about being emo. But there's really a limit. I'm not superman. I admit i'm weak. I can't be fun anymore because i'm always on the verge of breaking down. I'm so tired of being misunderstood.

I know i'd probably get that pep-talk the one where. "You're misunderstood because u dont let people know how u truly feel and if i don't try to understand the other person, That person wouldn't understand me either" kinda talk. But What do u know?

Do you feel the pain and stress i feel? I've tried doing that before. But what happened in the end? I'd just get pity from people. They still don't understand and they never will. I don't want to be that "pitiful person" anymore. People treating u nice just cause they pity u But not treating u equally as a friend. It's really taxing to have that kind of relationship. In the end when they get tired, they just leave and forget all about it.

I'm trying my hardest to make a damn difference but just when i see a silver-lining, A few more problems come along to take it's place. The only reason why i'm still alive is cause of my family if not i really would have just killed myself awhile back. I really feel like just ending my life to be done with it all.

I really don't know how many more years of this i can take, i've already made it to my 9th year this year. I really hope i can just settle all of it and be done. I've lost my youth and my childhood, how many more years does it have to take?

Now i know, being the head of the house isn't an easy thing. Having to make alot of decisions and making sure everyone and everything is alrite. It really takes it's toll on me. It's sad to say, but sometimes i feel i'm the only adult at home. Because i have fix things. From the biggest to the smallest things. =(

I made a promise to myself since i was 12, if i ever manage to find that special someone and if we got married and have kids, i'd definitely treat them well and make sure i'm well to do so that they wouldn't have to face the same things i've did. But that's if i manage to stay alive and get out of this hell hole first. =/

Hope i don't go lose my sanity over all this shit. =/

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The sun, the sand & the sea. Looking forward to :

the 25th - East Coast Park for a Ride on my bike.

the 23rd - if all goes well, a farewell or gathering party with s-11 people before my NS to sentosa.

the 30th - if all goes to planned, My farewell party at New Balance.

Really like to thank the people who are going to make it happen.

After these events, I'll be moving on to a new chapter in my life. Dreadful NS. lol. Wonder hw it's gonna be like in The police academy. Like a Broken Record playing, In the Sea of overflowing Emotions. A violent waterfall is overflowing out from a pair of eyes, creating a river.

A little boy sitting in a room with the 4 walls towering over & staring down on him, Listening to the same old song playing over and over again.

Wondering when will he learn when it comes to love. Apparently he misread the signs again.

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Guess when it comes to love nowadays, it's just about who's most suitable right now. There's no forever.

*** Just a little ramblings that was inspired from a person i know so well.***

Friday, June 19, 2009

Chapter : Preparing for NS.

Alrite, it's time to start preparing ahead. I have to start sleeping early and exercising a bit to be slightly ready. Last minute i know, so hope i can make up for lost time. Skinny me, here i come again lol!

Well, update on it again when i feel like it. Life's just got a little dull from here on out. I feel like i'm on death row counting the last few days i have left! Ugh!!!

**poof!** Today, a few things happened and i managed to see the bigger picture. Haha i feel so dumb not realizing till now.

"I'm want to see the sunrise as i'm tired of sunsets." - T.R.

I want to go on a holiday. I could definitely use that break. Away from the stress, the awkwardness, the jealousy, the helplessness, the heartaches.

But where would be a good place to go? With 17 days left till i report in for NS. I can't be choosy. Ah damn H1N1, i forgot all about it. shit! lol.

Shall save myself the embarrassment. My brain's Constipated once again, My Funny Bones are broken and My Serious Shit is released.

Let's just move on to the next chapter.

Thus, this marks the end of the chapter of the Hopeless Romantic Idiot.

Nite world.

Knowing how expendable u are and how easy it is to be replaced is such a terrible feeling. So is the feeling of being left behind, all alone. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings to ever feel. It's time to welcome change.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Hello world! It's been such a long time since this boring old, blogger has made an entry.

These past few months have been whack. Lots of downs and hardly any ups. We're still stranded in that B status and aren't allowed to travel overseas. Well just my parents actually. To make things worse, the problems just keep coming. And the most important day in my life is gone. The thing that could finally tide us over this financial crisis of over 8 years is ruined thanks to a greedy "trustee". Quarter of a million burnt in just a couple of days in stocks and shares.

I'm really tired people. I've done the very best i can to try and support the family but my part time job's pay isn't enough. There's only so much one person can do. It really sucks to be human. This mortifying feeling. Feeling useless as it is. Sometimes i find myself so naive. thinking i can just take all these problems and solve them all on my own.

I'm really sorry i turned out this way grandma. I shouldn't have been so willful and let my emotions affect my studies. I should have studied hard and become a doctor and continue the jap family's occupation just like the rest of my cousins. And i really regret that now. I can't help but think that if i did something different, we could have been in a better situation by now. Even though it's been a 10 yrs, Mom, Dad and sis haven't been able to get over the fact that we lost everything. For me, i've become acustomed to our current life. There are times i look back and really miss the times we spent at the old house. The 3 storey bungalow with an attic, swimming pool, basement and garden not forgetting the basketball stand we had built in near the pool. But life for me has always been normal. Even though we were rich at one point of time, i always had the shorter end of the broom stick. So even now, either than the huge change in living enviroments.. i've come to terms with it..

I'm really losing my funny bones, my big wide smiles. I really can't tell much jokes nowadays that are funny. I'm drained mentally and physically. I don't think i know " funny" anymore. At point of times, i really wished i wasn't born. Because it's hard living in these conditions if there isn't any room to breathe. I'm sorry i can't keep my promise to ben. I can't keep that smiling even as the world around me collapses or no matter how sad i am. Even my fake smile is failling. I can't keep the act up anymore. I've broken down one too many times. I will do what is the best course of action to keep my family going and not just think whether it's right.

I'm going to do my best to work everything out and stick to the original plan of going over to England on a short trip to see how things are there. If all is fine, we should be migrating after i complete my NS. Well... so i believe.

Someone always asked me, why do i always sound like this is goodbye forever whenever i say my goodbyes. Maybe it's because from the start, 10 years ago, i had already made up my mind to leave this country for good. =(

Sunday, January 11, 2009

phew.. havent blogged in a really long while. Been really tired and busy lately.

Havent done finish FYP! die! gonna miss the window of opportunity.. gonna - marks le~ T.T

Well saturday was a long day for me. Managed to get off work early last min to go to Yoke Leng's birthday. (Thanks Issac XD) Took train down and met winston at pasir ris inter. didnt wait for too long. and reached the chalet at around 9 plus.

The party for me was quite short but fun. Had to get home early as there was work the next day. And the outcome of these few days running up and down? Major shek/tired.

Sry for the short post. cutting off here.. really tired.. will try to blog more often again.

gd nites world.

Monday, December 22, 2008

lol. hello world. Havent been blogging much as u can see. Just too lazy i guess. haha. Random old me hasn't changed much. Anyways as i was bored i did a silly thingy and this was teh result.

Lets101 Quizzes - Fun Quiz

some things are true and some are a little far from the me i know. lol.

Oh wells, peace out. =)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Gal~, here i am back at my blog. Hey World! =)

ok that was just random. Instead of saying the usual " oh boy" i did " gal". Oh wells. lol.

Today was quite ok. Attended the last lesson of the term & winston came in just on time to see the "thank you" note! again lol.. Everything's just happening so fast. In a Blink of an eye a year is going to pass again. Wittnessed ppl breaking up, others hooking up & the passing on of ppl.. Overall i feel this yr was a sad one. Though there were some things to appreciate. =) Hope Next year will be even better! lol. damn, if this goes on i might just end up being an old man without noticing!

Thinking of "saving" up for a holiday. Yea, Pretty much impossible considering my output of my money. hm.. 65% on bills and 20% on transport + food. 15% left to spare which usually goes to groceries most of the time and if it doesnt, it's for entertainment purposes.. ~.~ So much for getting new clothes. Been saying that for half a year now! MOAR~! =(

Haven't went for a decent shopping spree in ages. years. A decade maybe lol.

Man~~~~ i need a holiday! well ok technically not a holiday, holiday. A holiday which u go on a holiday? get what i mean? like on a trip or something? haha. Just need to get away in this strange and confusing time. Anyone interested? =)

Well i'm getting myself mentally prepared for the months to come. I'm going to give it my all for these few months so i can atleast give myself a pat on the back when it's all done.

It's true when they say, "You never realize it till it's gone." If you're a little lucky, you'd realize just when you're about to lose it.

Christmas is coming and i'm guessing it's gonna be a lonely one again this year. Thinking of doing something special this year. Buying a mini christmas tree and hold a small party for myself. XD When ur alone, u'd have to think of ways to get through it all. =)

Well's i'm gonna enjoy whatever i can with the remaining time i have left. Things will be so different after graduation. No matter how much i want to hold onto something, it just slips out of my hand.

Cause i'm the man of the house, i gotta get a better job to support the family. It's a tiring thing, but someone has got to do it. I don't think i'll be able to study after my Ns. So this might be the last time i'd get to experience a class room enviroment and all the things that come with it.

God if ur really up there pls let me enjoy myself just this one more time. If i can't hold on to it, atleast i can hold on to the memories of it. =)

I guess in advance i'll just list my christmas wish. Incase i might nt be able to do later.

- * **** *** *** *** **** * **** ** ** ***** *** ****.

Gd nites world, tml's hand up of FYP and i'm still stuck with one scene. Planning to rush in the morning so here i am off to slp. Wish me the very best of luck u can. =)