Black Stones

2009-06-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in Previous Lives?

I don't really know if there is such a thing but, If there was, I could probably be a little less inquisitive. Because if there was such a thing, I could probably blame everything that's happening and going through on it.

Like say, i could just tell myself " All of this is happening cause i was a evil, mean, crook that did so many bad things in my past life and i'm making up for it now". And just accept it.. but.. =(

Having to do so many things which should not actually concern me at that moment of time is really getting to me. How i envy those kids/people that didn't have to see the harshness of this world so early in their lives. Some are even good for their whole life never having to worry about bills, mortgage loans, debts, credit card debts, Court cases & whether we actually have enough money to last us through the month.

I remember since young, All i ever wished for was a normal, simple life. As long as we could afford to pay the bills & not worry about having to pay debts and when everyone was happy most of the time it would be the best wish i could ever wish for.

The day which i had placed all my hope on is gone. My 21st birthday was supposed to be the day where i could finally receive the amount of money that Aunt Miao left aside for me but thanks to a certain someone, the money's all gone now. The money that i could have used to tide us over is gone and i'm so stressed up.

WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN! HOW GREEDY CAN U GET WOMAN? WHY DID U HAVE TO SCREW THINGS UP? JUST CAUSE YOU WANTED TO MAKE SOME EXTRA CASH, YOU DECIDED TO TOUCH THE MONEY U WERE TRUSTED TO KEEP SAFE. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!

Damn You! You never knew how hard it was for us. These past few years since the Bankruptcy, we had such a hard time trying to cope. It took some time till mom and sis found some jobs & I shortly after that. But mom's health wasn't always good that she had to stop working and keep going for medical checkups regularly.

Even so, You didn't do your job as a trustee well. You, unreasonably pushing back the dates by weeks, when we should be collecting the monthly expenses that aunt miao gives us to tide us through monthly on time. Forcing us to scrimp and save to the last dollar. The worse u did was take out extra cash from that sum and claiming it was for our handphone bills Which was totally ridiculous and you had nothing to say and gave a black face when we caught u red handed.

Why do u have to add more to the long list of problems i already have?

Look i know i've been complaining about this time and time again in my blog but i'm sorry, i'm not as strong as u people think i am. I'm just human. There's so many things to be done and so little time to do it all. It's frustrating! And there's not much i can do.

I'm sorry if i'm not a funny guy anymore and i'm just going about being emo. But there's really a limit. I'm not superman. I admit i'm weak. I can't be fun anymore because i'm always on the verge of breaking down. I'm so tired of being misunderstood.

I know i'd probably get that pep-talk the one where. "You're misunderstood because u dont let people know how u truly feel and if i don't try to understand the other person, That person wouldn't understand me either" kinda talk. But What do u know?

Do you feel the pain and stress i feel? I've tried doing that before. But what happened in the end? I'd just get pity from people. They still don't understand and they never will. I don't want to be that "pitiful person" anymore. People treating u nice just cause they pity u But not treating u equally as a friend. It's really taxing to have that kind of relationship. In the end when they get tired, they just leave and forget all about it.

I'm trying my hardest to make a damn difference but just when i see a silver-lining, A few more problems come along to take it's place. The only reason why i'm still alive is cause of my family if not i really would have just killed myself awhile back. I really feel like just ending my life to be done with it all.

I really don't know how many more years of this i can take, i've already made it to my 9th year this year. I really hope i can just settle all of it and be done. I've lost my youth and my childhood, how many more years does it have to take?

Now i know, being the head of the house isn't an easy thing. Having to make alot of decisions and making sure everyone and everything is alrite. It really takes it's toll on me. It's sad to say, but sometimes i feel i'm the only adult at home. Because i have fix things. From the biggest to the smallest things. =(

I made a promise to myself since i was 12, if i ever manage to find that special someone and if we got married and have kids, i'd definitely treat them well and make sure i'm well to do so that they wouldn't have to face the same things i've did. But that's if i manage to stay alive and get out of this hell hole first. =/

Hope i don't go lose my sanity over all this shit. =/

2009-06-20T01:50:00.000-07:00

The sun, the sand & the sea. Looking forward to :

the 25th - East Coast Park for a Ride on my bike.

the 23rd - if all goes well, a farewell or gathering party with s-11 people before my NS to sentosa.

the 30th - if all goes to planned, My farewell party at New Balance.

Really like to thank the people who are going to make it happen.

After these events, I'll be moving on to a new chapter in my life. Dreadful NS. lol. Wonder hw it's gonna be like in The police academy.

2009-06-20T01:31:00.000-07:00

Like a Broken Record playing, In the Sea of overflowing Emotions. A violent waterfall is overflowing out from a pair of eyes, creating a river.

A little boy sitting in a room with the 4 walls towering over & staring down on him, Listening to the same old song playing over and over again.

Wondering when will he learn when it comes to love. Apparently he misread the signs again.

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Guess when it comes to love nowadays, it's just about who's most suitable right now. There's no forever.

*** Just a little ramblings that was inspired from a person i know so well.***

2009-06-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

Chapter : Preparing for NS.

Alrite, it's time to start preparing ahead. I have to start sleeping early and exercising a bit to be slightly ready. Last minute i know, so hope i can make up for lost time. Skinny me, here i come again lol!

Well, update on it again when i feel like it. Life's just got a little dull from here on out. I feel like i'm on death row counting the last few days i have left! Ugh!!!

**poof!**

2009-06-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

Today, a few things happened and i managed to see the bigger picture. Haha i feel so dumb not realizing till now.

"I'm want to see the sunrise as i'm tired of sunsets." - T.R.

I want to go on a holiday. I could definitely use that break. Away from the stress, the awkwardness, the jealousy, the helplessness, the heartaches.

But where would be a good place to go? With 17 days left till i report in for NS. I can't be choosy. Ah damn H1N1, i forgot all about it. shit! lol.

Shall save myself the embarrassment. My brain's Constipated once again, My Funny Bones are broken and My Serious Shit is released.

Let's just move on to the next chapter.

Thus, this marks the end of the chapter of the Hopeless Romantic Idiot.

Nite world.

Knowing how expendable u are and how easy it is to be replaced is such a terrible feeling. So is the feeling of being left behind, all alone. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings to ever feel. It's time to welcome change.

2009-06-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

Hello world! It's been such a long time since this boring old, blogger has made an entry.

These past few months have been whack. Lots of downs and hardly any ups. We're still stranded in that B status and aren't allowed to travel overseas. Well just my parents actually. To make things worse, the problems just keep coming. And the most important day in my life is gone. The thing that could finally tide us over this financial crisis of over 8 years is ruined thanks to a greedy "trustee". Quarter of a million burnt in just a couple of days in stocks and shares.

I'm really tired people. I've done the very best i can to try and support the family but my part time job's pay isn't enough. There's only so much one person can do. It really sucks to be human. This mortifying feeling. Feeling useless as it is. Sometimes i find myself so naive. thinking i can just take all these problems and solve them all on my own.

I'm really sorry i turned out this way grandma. I shouldn't have been so willful and let my emotions affect my studies. I should have studied hard and become a doctor and continue the jap family's occupation just like the rest of my cousins. And i really regret that now. I can't help but think that if i did something different, we could have been in a better situation by now. Even though it's been a 10 yrs, Mom, Dad and sis haven't been able to get over the fact that we lost everything. For me, i've become acustomed to our current life. There are times i look back and really miss the times we spent at the old house. The 3 storey bungalow with an attic, swimming pool, basement and garden not forgetting the basketball stand we had built in near the pool. But life for me has always been normal. Even though we were rich at one point of time, i always had the shorter end of the broom stick. So even now, either than the huge change in living enviroments.. i've come to terms with it..

I'm really losing my funny bones, my big wide smiles. I really can't tell much jokes nowadays that are funny. I'm drained mentally and physically. I don't think i know " funny" anymore. At point of times, i really wished i wasn't born. Because it's hard living in these conditions if there isn't any room to breathe. I'm sorry i can't keep my promise to ben. I can't keep that smiling even as the world around me collapses or no matter how sad i am. Even my fake smile is failling. I can't keep the act up anymore. I've broken down one too many times. I will do what is the best course of action to keep my family going and not just think whether it's right.

I'm going to do my best to work everything out and stick to the original plan of going over to England on a short trip to see how things are there. If all is fine, we should be migrating after i complete my NS. Well... so i believe.

Someone always asked me, why do i always sound like this is goodbye forever whenever i say my goodbyes. Maybe it's because from the start, 10 years ago, i had already made up my mind to leave this country for good. =(

2009-01-11T11:14:00.000-08:00

phew.. havent blogged in a really long while. Been really tired and busy lately.

Havent done finish FYP! die! gonna miss the window of opportunity.. gonna - marks le~ T.T

Well saturday was a long day for me. Managed to get off work early last min to go to Yoke Leng's birthday. (Thanks Issac XD) Took train down and met winston at pasir ris inter. didnt wait for too long. and reached the chalet at around 9 plus.

The party for me was quite short but fun. Had to get home early as there was work the next day. And the outcome of these few days running up and down? Major shek/tired.

Sry for the short post. cutting off here.. really tired.. will try to blog more often again.

gd nites world.

2008-12-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

lol. hello world. Havent been blogging much as u can see. Just too lazy i guess. haha. Random old me hasn't changed much. Anyways as i was bored i did a silly thingy and this was teh result.

Lets101 Quizzes - Fun Quiz

some things are true and some are a little far from the me i know. lol.

Oh wells, peace out. =)

2008-12-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

Gal~, here i am back at my blog. Hey World! =)

ok that was just random. Instead of saying the usual " oh boy" i did " gal". Oh wells. lol.

Today was quite ok. Attended the last lesson of the term & winston came in just on time to see the "thank you" note! again lol.. Everything's just happening so fast. In a Blink of an eye a year is going to pass again. Wittnessed ppl breaking up, others hooking up & the passing on of ppl.. Overall i feel this yr was a sad one. Though there were some things to appreciate. =) Hope Next year will be even better! lol. damn, if this goes on i might just end up being an old man without noticing!

Thinking of "saving" up for a holiday. Yea, Pretty much impossible considering my output of my money. hm.. 65% on bills and 20% on transport + food. 15% left to spare which usually goes to groceries most of the time and if it doesnt, it's for entertainment purposes.. ~.~ So much for getting new clothes. Been saying that for half a year now! MOAR~! =(

Haven't went for a decent shopping spree in ages. years. A decade maybe lol.

Man~~~~ i need a holiday! well ok technically not a holiday, holiday. A holiday which u go on a holiday? get what i mean? like on a trip or something? haha. Just need to get away in this strange and confusing time. Anyone interested? =)

Well i'm getting myself mentally prepared for the months to come. I'm going to give it my all for these few months so i can atleast give myself a pat on the back when it's all done.

It's true when they say, "You never realize it till it's gone." If you're a little lucky, you'd realize just when you're about to lose it.

Christmas is coming and i'm guessing it's gonna be a lonely one again this year. Thinking of doing something special this year. Buying a mini christmas tree and hold a small party for myself. XD When ur alone, u'd have to think of ways to get through it all. =)

Well's i'm gonna enjoy whatever i can with the remaining time i have left. Things will be so different after graduation. No matter how much i want to hold onto something, it just slips out of my hand.

Cause i'm the man of the house, i gotta get a better job to support the family. It's a tiring thing, but someone has got to do it. I don't think i'll be able to study after my Ns. So this might be the last time i'd get to experience a class room enviroment and all the things that come with it.

God if ur really up there pls let me enjoy myself just this one more time. If i can't hold on to it, atleast i can hold on to the memories of it. =)

I guess in advance i'll just list my christmas wish. Incase i might nt be able to do later.

- * **** *** *** *** **** * **** ** ** ***** *** ****.

Gd nites world, tml's hand up of FYP and i'm still stuck with one scene. Planning to rush in the morning so here i am off to slp. Wish me the very best of luck u can. =)

2008-12-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

Today~ Guess it was a real unpleasent day today. Too many things going wrong.

The day was fine at first but it was kinda spoilt after a certain sms... i dont really want to go more into it so let's just leave it as that.

After school, went to AMK Hub with Sm Moar xiang. Ate at MOS Burger and killed some time there. Everything was fine till i got on the bus home. I slept in the bus and overslept!! ~.~ A first time. And ended up a few stops aways from tanah Merah MRT. So much for sch?? was almost going back there lol.

got off the bus after realizing and walked quite a bit till i could find a bus stop on the opposite side. haha. it was 7 plus. And i was dead tired..

Well all was fine after getting home i guess. i'm just gonna sleep it off and nt think about the rest that happened. I feel really terrible now. =(

2008-12-09T10:41:00.001-08:00

its 2.30 am in the morning and i'm having problem sleeping. I think i slept too much in the afternoon.

Today, i gained another best friend. haha. Which is good. =) Gave her some advice on some things which i hope really helps. XD just knowing ur happy makes me happy too. =)

well with some of that off my mind, i should be able to sleep.. but still i think i cant. =(

Release is all i need, and so i tell myself. "Right now listening to the song we shared, i'm going listen to it and sing it one last time and when the song ends, so will whatever that is left. "

My voice can't reach u now let alone me singing, but i pray for release. I want to move on. Because that's all i can do now.

No matter how, always end up as a substitute and it's just wearing me down. I just want to be me. Rememebered as me & not cause i remind u of someone.. To be seen as me.

Man this is just.................. =/

gd' nite

2008-12-09T07:57:00.000-08:00

Finally! 1 project done! 1 down! 2 left to go! hopefully i dun have to do the extra pjt so i can just concentrate on FYP! =(

Slept really late last nite. Around 4.30 am ++ nt so sure of exact timing. Rushed my DreamWeaver pjt. Really paid off. Today i was feeling much more stress free in class. But really tired.

Well to cut it short (cause i'm gonna fall flat on my keyboard any time soon..), came home from a tiring day & went straight to bed. Yea you all might be thinking stinky.. but when ur really tired, u just dun really care do u? haha..

Woke up and rushed online after seeing relan's sms. Guess i really messed up. Even song ling told me he was looking for me. Dude, sry again. just damn tired.. u may have said its nt a gd reason, but do forgive me. it's the truth and all i have to say. Hope u had fun. haha..

and here i am blogging after our game. i'm so tired.. shall k.o now.

Ciao world.

2008-12-06T07:29:00.000-08:00

MOAR! (sm's language.) lol.

Today was was whack! Btw, Hey world! =)

i'm here blogging to kill time before taking a bath. Waiting for the heater to warm up. Been long since i used it! ooh! sauna here i come~ if i only i could take a dip in a real hot springs. nvm! i'll go to japan next time and by god i would jump butt naked into one! it's definitely on my to do list! XD

Went to work early in the morning. woke up at around 7am i slept like around 2 am. 5 hrs slp should be enough for a normal day at work.. but sadly today the time was passing quite moderately but the sales was bad. Not to mention my sales were bad due to long draggy customers.. some of them bought something in the end and the others just upped and left w/o saying thanks.. Guess that's a typical singaporean for you.. =(

Had one customer today who approached me and asked for a suitable shoe due to his heel problems. I explained to him very nicely and in clear detail too when i reccomended our cushioning range of shoes. He said he undertood and nodded his head saying" oh ok! i understand! i see.." and the next thing ya knw? he asks me about another shoe.ok i explained the difference between cushioning shoes and stability shoes. And he said the same thing.

The whole proccess lasted for abt nearly an hr? he asked me practically about every shoe on the shelf! which was like 10 pairs? aft touching on the differences, he asked me about the same shoe again. Ok to cut it short, he asked me the same thing 5 times for every shoe. even aft telling him i didnt have sizes for some he asked me again..

and finally i almost burst! was about to shout "god help me!" till i was rudely interrupted by 2 other customers. lol. i served them first as the guy was still making his decision. just to cut it short, i managed to sell a pair of shoes to one of the other customers and the other walked away.

Was about to go back to the guy when issac, my brudder/incharge helped me to serve him and he gt the same thing as me.. but thankfully he handled the situation well and i went in the store room to vent my stress out followed by a trip to the bathroom. XD

After awhile i managed to cool down and back to serving ppl. well mostly behind the counter cashiering lol. Nothing much happened after that except closing time.

ok this made me feel damn Pai seh! it was time for closing and we put up the poles and i was pulling down the shutters. When i was closing the second shutter ( we have 5 in total) a kid sitting at the ambulance machine ( those 1 dollar kid rides in shoppinh centres) saw me closing the shutter suddenly came up to me and Started CRYING! ~.~ He said " i want my mummy and daddy! T.T" my heart melted aft hearing that i felt bad for awhile and stopped pulling down that particular shutter. and his mother was at the cashier. She told him to come over and he ran in the shop crying. I snapped out of that "cutscene" and then thought of something very randomly. Did i look like a bad man who was locking up his parents? ~.~ LOL! after what happened next i was thinking, DAMN! i think i do look like a badd guy parentnapping their parents! LOL!

Thinking all was fine, i skipped the 2nd shutter. As i was closing the 4th, another kid standing outside started crying and shouted "mummyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! T.T" and this time everyone was staring at me. Then my colleague, mingshi said "what happened? u made the kids cry!" something like that.. haha.. and i was so pai seh.. everyone outside the shop and inside were looking at me.. even the ppl at cold wear just opposite our shop were too.. i was feeling bad again when next thing i knew, his grandma went up to him and hugged him and said "there! ur mummy is there!" and i sneaked a peak and she was pointing at the shop next to coldwear, the sports shop. That made me think " CHEY!" lol!

after those happenings, we finally closed shop. Had to do the vaccuming cause i lost to mingshi in scissors paper stone. ahh!!! 3 to 1 score. DANG!! XD

After that walked down to jurong east with Tony & Issac. Parted with tony near the bus stop and Mrt'd with Issac till his stop at Chua Chu Kang. After that was a long 40 mins plus jooureny to bishan and i slept all the way. After that met dad and he drove me all the way to our home sweet home! XD and here i am nw! blogging.

Guess that's all for today! it's a colouful entry today huh? haha. Cause its too long, sure to be boring if it was all in the same colour and no pics to show.. =x Kz i'm off to bath and then sleep! so much for my MMT Pjt.. =( totally flat out.

Gd nites world! XD

2008-12-04T02:24:00.000-08:00

Hey world, Gonna blog real early today because i might be spending the rest of the time sleeping in. Really~~~~~~~~~~~ tired! haha.

Okay, so today started off pretty fun. Arranged to meet yu xiang and yvonne in the morning and we were joined with song ling and kai wei. Yu xiang ah~ say 7+ ah. haha. 9 bah. =) in the end come 9.30+ haha!

We said group study.. but in the end even staring at the book, the info just didnt register in any of our heads bah. in the end just chilled till it was time to go for class. And when we reached class, we decided to cheat! haha.. Sry Mr. Gan, but ur teaching really isnt efficient for us.. for the 10%! cheat cheat cheat~!

haha, just wanna thank yu xiang, song ling and yvonne for today. And yvonne, sry again! wasted ur sms ~.~ and thx! haha. Thx for reading the last ans out to us song ling! would have been blank w/o ur help. =x

on the way home, 12'd to tanah merah with kiat, chin and yu xiang. and from there we parted and yu xiang and me 45'd back home. after dropping off at my stop, i stopped by the park and stood in the rain. Felt damn good! been so long since i "played" in the rain, sometimes its great re-living ur childhood. =) i feel much more calmer now. i may nt knw when i might break down again, but i hope i wont ever again.

kz.. i'm gonna hit the sack nw. i think i only had 14 hrs slp in total for this entire week.. lol. stressful week~ But somehow it wasnt that boring. =)

2008-12-02T09:44:00.001-08:00

Just like the other times... i've broken down again. Silently crying. God i'm so tired of fighting.. =( i'm financially, emotionally, physically drained. i broke down on this nite. Again.

No matter how much i want to understand, to be reasonable, to be strong. i just cant.

There are times when ppl like us just breakdown and let everything out. Because we usually keep things to ourselves. Trying to solve everything with our own ways. The pain keeps adding on till we can't hold it in much longer..

From living in a 3 storey bungalow with an attic and a basement to moving houses here and there from rented terraces to HDBs. The big mansion like house with the outdoor pool, tree house, gym, study room, library, guest rooms and many bedrooms with the big front gate that always gave a warm sense of home.. It was all taken away because of a failed business venture. The people who were the closest to my parents.. sucking up all the money+fraud and leaving the company with losses. All because of them, my life took a huge fall. sending our family plunging nose first into the ground from the highest point.. we became Bankrupts.

I still can't forget that fateful day when i got home from sch and took a nap. Only to be awakened by the sounds of ppl from the bank coming into the house.. sticking red stickers all over the property and furniture. "property of the government" seals. just like that u'd see on the 1 dollar coin. it still bugs me at times when i stare at a dollar coin.. =/

The people who claimed to be gd frens, shunned my family after we lost the house. Pretending not to know us. Treating us like beggars and gossiping about us behind our backs. Even the kids i used to hang around with at church. they gave me that " oh my mommy told me nt to talk to you.. you're dad's a bankrupt!" even the first gal i liked, sarah said the same thing.. and her mom was the one spreading all the rumours.. it felt like hell. that was teh first time my heart broke. When we were well to do, rich, her mom would always act frenly and allow her to spend as much time as she could with me.. but aft all that happened.. Soon everyone else including her.. avoided us like the plague.. no matter where we moved to, somehow the rumours spread and ppl were gossiping. making me realise how small people could be. Only gossiping about others but not themselves and giving that rude faces whenever they saw us. Suprisingly even a pri sch teacher of mine made fun of me everyday at sch because he heard about my family's problem. instead of keeping it to himself, he made it a point to torture me everyday by making me the center of attention. making everyone laugh at me. it lasted for a yr and it was hell. there was this one time when i was heading to the sch bus aft sch and it was a rainy day.. i slipped and fell on the hill. i kept rolling till i ended up under another sch bus.. the other students could only look and laugh at me in my plight and not one person came to help me out from under the bus. alot of familliar faces were in the crowd, but they all just walked past laughing.. the bus was starting and i panicked. i didnt want to die undder a bus.. so i kept struggling till i managed to get out from under the bus. that day i went home with cuts all over. nobody asked me what happened and i just kept it to myself.

when i gt to secondary sch, i thought things had changed. i could start a new, But the first 2 yrs were rough. Was getting bullied in class. everyday i'd get beaten by the tough guys in class. and i just kept to myself, and saying "it doesnt hurt at all " whenever i was beaten. But that got me even more. At first there were bruising, but after awhile my body gt used to it and i didnt bruise anymore. and i carried on with like that till one day i finally snapped and punched a guy in the chest when he was beating me. he had internal bleeding and he was bleeding from the nose. had to bring him down to the office str away. Not sure because of that, that all the beating stopped or because they gt tired of it. After awhile it became more peaceful in the classroom and everyone was cool with everyone. there wasnt much fighting whatsoever.

I wont lie. I really hated my parents for a long period of time for putting us in this mess.. But i learnt hw to think and understand and i forgave them. But after forgiving them, i still had this empty feeling inside of me. i lost so much of me. my happiness, my smile, my character. Nothing could ever make me happy. and soon i was given the nicks " iron man, cold hearted prince". showing no emotion, being sarcastic and mean.

I always wanted to feel love. Just looking at couples would just make me go, "Aww.. hw great it would be if i could have someone to spend my life with living blissfully". In my life so far, there have been 4 gals who made my heart feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.. with my cheeks blushing.. 1 of which i got together with. But we didnt last past 3 months. We didnt get to meet at all after we gt together.. and in the end it ended even though i looked pass the fact that i was being cheated on and tried to save the relationship.. i have no experience in chasing aft gals.. i only managed to get together with her after knwing she was interested in me.. guess i'm useless.. tt's why it nvr lasted. but funny way things work.. we're chatting on msn these days and it's been great.. atleast better than hating each other..

the other 3 i let slip past me.. i just couldnt tell them hw i felt about them even though i wanted so much to. one, we lost contact after graduation, the second one, got together with a fren for a long time. and the third, i was always too shy around her. when i wanted to tell her hw i felt by bringing her to the place i had spent a few days searching for.. giving her a boquet of paper flowers i made asking to be my gal, i wasnt able to meet her. i picked a bad day, as she had made plans to go out with her bffs on valentines day. Yes, silly me. after that day i backed down.. i just couldnt find my courage anywhere. i couldnt tell her hw i felt.. i plucked up so much courage just to do it on that day.. but it just crumbled. And soon nt long after that, she gt attached.
But yet again.. funny thing is hw things work out. She's seems real happy with her bf now and i'm truly happy for her. because somehow i knw he can provide for her even more than i can.

recently, the second gal broke up with my fren and i was sort of happy for her because he was treating her unfairly most of the time when they were together. we started chatting a little more often and going out together and i really enjoyed myself... even though there were times she was complaining over teh phone but i found it to be cute. i would listen to her and try to help her out as much as i could. But i guess it was onesided. it always is, i got the wrong impression and i confessed to her only to be turned down. Perhaps i was a little late. but she gt togetther with another fren who's also been there for her and i think they're really happy now. i wont say i'm nt sad. because that'd be a lie. perhaps its just me. i give up easily. i knw u may find it hard to believe but i really am happy just knowing she's happy. i'm really nt decieving myself.

i find myself to be a weak person. nt being able to fight for wat i want. but i guess its because i dun think i can ever provide for them. i'm afraid. i'm scared. after all tat's happened in my life i've become a coward. and all i can do is wish for the ones i like/love to be happy and just be happy to knw that they are. i'm trying so hard to shake this off. but it just isnt working so far. i want to be a little stronger. to be able to have some confidence and to be able to be fianancialy stable.

i'm not that spoilt kid anymore. but a emo kid. i keep falling down. the hurt keeps me down. after getting over smth, i find myself falling again.

i guess when it comes to the gals i like, i fall too deeply too fast. it's bad. =/

God.. i cant live this way anymore. I knw this might not sound like a guy rite nw, but i really want to get hugged and being told that "everythings alrite" because i'm feeling very miserable now..

or should i just go on a holiday?

i'm Lost.. =(

2008-12-02T09:05:00.001-08:00

sch today was fine. suddenly gt enthu to finish up the work in cs today. sudden burst of emotions i guess. haha. aft class, we hanged at cafe 1 for an hr or so waiting for the heavy rain to die down.. but in the end it didnt.. it just gt a little lighter. Left sch around 6.30 or so. bus'd 31 to Tanah with kiat, chin, xiang and myself. said gdbyes to kiat and chin and moar xiang and me waited for 45 and we 45'd back.

got back home and played around with com. reading Manga and doing my MMT pjt, listening to song, etc. and well MSN! haha. was a little lively today, tt's gd. =)

alrite, i'm hoping this emo feeling would faster go away so i can get some slp. i'm a panda rite nw! ~.~

learnt about a few things today. Might lose my home. she might really sell it. guess i can't pull if off much longer.. =( i'm tired of worrying so much about what's gonna happen next. But if i dont, who's gonna prepare us when the time comes when we're on the street. I'm no longer the prince. I'm just a fallen prince. A normal human. Pretty much a begger soon. There are so many times when i feel so tempted to quit sch and work full time to support our family. it's just too much to handle. I cant concentrate on studying. My situation is abnormal.
I've been looking for love as long as i could rmb, perhaps because of the way i was brought up and the enviroment.. i really didnt feel any love. I cant explain why my heart longs so much for love. But i can only say one thing,which i knw for sure.. i love one at a time.. =/

2008-12-01T10:25:00.000-08:00

hey world! it's 2 plus in the morning nw and i cant really get to sleep.. bad tummy ache.. guess i really had too much for din today. =/ havent been updating much due to me coming home from work and plomping on the bed with a total Knockout. K.O! ofcus after a bath. =)

finally updated my frenster photos and added the pics from my b'dae celebration at NB IMM and Okayyyyyy. i'm nt photogenic cause i dun really camwhore often. i admit. lol.

gosh, without realizing it, another year has passed and my b'dae just flew past too. Time really flies i guess. aft that, christmas comes. haha. makes me wonder, will it be another lonely christmas again? if i'm nt working on christmas day, i might buy a small tree and decorate it. Specially for this year. Hopefully it wont be just me, myself and the tree.. lol.

Sch's whack! feeling tense and stressed about the pjts that have to be done. I guess most ppl call it gd stress or healthy stress? lol.

sch starts in like 7 and 1/2 hrs time and i have to rush 5 pages from none currently. thinking of layouts and what to add in for later. hopefully i can do it, already loss some marks from today when i just did my flash and didnt show 2 pages lol.

alrite, tummy ache! this sounds like a job for toilet bowl man! off to the loo and hopefully nt getting stuck there the whole time till i doze off!

GD NITES WORLD!

2008-11-28T05:15:00.000-08:00

hello world! havent been blogging as often these few days missed me? haha! guess not since anyone hardly reads my blog. =P silly me!

Been a little occupied. Going out and coming back late and sleeping like a log right after having a bath.

Sch's fine i guess. For us guys, i'm sure we all are just hoping to end the course asap and going into ns so we can be over and done with it. With 3 pjts on my list to check off rite nw it's a little stressful. Just yesterday, relan said something which really got my attention and got me thinking. "These days you aren't yourself anymore".

I really don't know who i am or who i was anymore. The way i should act, the way i would act. I'm just walking on uneven grounds now, step by step. I'm LOST! =(

i'm really trying to be happy, but it's hard. sure envy ppl who just are.

But i guess he's right, these few days i haven't been gaming as much and i'm really stressing on my pjts and studies as it's the last sem. I can't remember when the last time i was so concerned abt my studies.. guess i was N'levels? haha..

i'm trying to keep my smile alive, just trying to be a better man. But before that i guess i have to learn how to stop giving up so easily.. =/

gd nites world. shall stop here.. Adieu.

2008-11-24T16:08:00.000-08:00

hey world, gd morning! ok so that was one of the longest sleep i have ever had since last yr. 10 ~ 11 hrs i guess lol. i was so tired i lay flat on the bed w/o my blanket. lol.... having a cold nw. Dang.

Sleep was good. wished i could just sleep even more.. guess my body finally wants to rest. But i have to get ready and go to cmpb now. =(

oks i'll see what time my medical ends. Cause we have the ever so sian CS class ltr in the late afternoon. Cant miss it if nt my gpa will drop due to the importance of prac. lol.

ciao world!

2008-11-24T05:01:00.000-08:00

hey world! back here for awhile.. superrrrrr tired but cant get to slp rite nw.. lay in bed like a corpse but still couldnt slp.

Think my body's throwing a tantrum rite nw. tired but nt going to slp. wells gonna just blog abit and see what else i can do to tire myself out completely.

today sch was kinda fun! well leaving out the fact that i was slpy , lecture was boring as usual.. and having to do a new web project again. Well duing PE or should i say SW, played abit of bball with the goup till teacher came and we did the SW theory test.

After that was badminton with winton, yu xiang & the gals. Yoke ling, song ling and Yvonne. =) Was fun. well with winston being the joker. SMK ah.

k lah.. cant think of much to say rite nw. brain dead.

Gd nites world! maynt be going sch tml.. got cmpb to go to.. damn check up.. lol.

2008-11-22T17:28:00.000-08:00

Ok! i managed to wake up today without using my bleach alarm. lol. forgot to set it last nite. came home aft work and it was about 12 plus. took a quick shower and knocked out. zzz.. and now i'm up.

Yesterday, Glen Ong from class 95 radio came to our shop. He was suprisingly friendly. But i guess i still dun really like him. None of us part timers went to serve him and issac our in-charge went to serve him & he sold a pair of m1010 to him. Just to anyone who's interested, Glen Ong has a bad case of Flat foot!

okies i just got out of the bath and here i am blogging. lol, what has gotten into me i do not knw. Just felt like blogging. Alrites. I need to put on some clothes and fly to work. Long journey to Jurong East. ~.~

Later world! =)

2008-11-21T10:18:00.000-08:00

Today is going down as a memorable day in my life! I PASSED MY FTT in ONE try!!!

Before taking the test, bumped into Jian wen & Boon siang right at the entrance. Jian wen was waiting for his instructor for his practical lesson. So qiao to bump into them. haha..

I honestly didn't study at all! It was all thanks to the 3 sessions of E-trials i took just before my FTT. Was really stressed throughout the whole process. Didn't see the questions before and racked my brains to think of a logical way to answer the questions! Not to mention i was so stressed i was taking it out on the screen! lol. Till the supervisor came and told me " Gentleman, please tap the screen lightly with the stylus gently." and the second time, "Gentleman, i already told you to hold the stylus 45 degrees to the screen and tap gently! Tapping harder wont make the page load faster!" =.=" i was thinking at that time, "I KNOW!"

YadaYada Yada!

erhem! and well that was for the first two sessions of my E-trial tests. Well good riddance to him! and YAY! to Passing! Glad that's all over now! got my PDL a month back, so might think of getting a private instructor to teach me hw to drive. All that's left standing in the way is practical lessons, Practical test TP & i should be done! =) i think. lol

After my test, Called mom & Dad and they came to pick me up from Ubi CDC to go out and celebrate! Like we did when i passed my BTT. Ate a seafood 21 near our place, just behind Kovan, Heartland Mall. well sorta! Ate a big spread! shared yangzhou fried rice, Sweet sour fish!, sweet sour pork, mushroom kailan and mom took out her rojak she bought earlier and mixed it with hers and dad's food. lol! feel kinda bad for the ppl working there cause the plates seemed very oily from the rojak they brought.

During the "Feast!" wing & huishan called me to go out. Told them i'd call them back aft my meal and i agreed to go out. Half way down when i was at ps, i gt a call from relan and he asked me to go out.

Just wanna say, really sorry wing and huishan! sorry for not keeping my appointment with u 2. At least i wasnt a bright lightbulb today? haha.. ok its a bad joke.. Will make up for it when we go out k? hopefully soon! My treat! =) promise!

Killed some time with relan till 10pm where we metup with shi ting to watch "Beverley Hills Chihuahua." well being the usual me, i was a light bulb but thank god i wasnt taht bright. They were themselves and i didnt seem to exist in the cinema when the movie was on! phew! haha. We gt a coupleseat + 1 seat near the walkway.

The movie was hillarious and the whole cinema laughed! though there were times i was laughing alone to some things i think most ppl didnt get.. lol. Felt a little out of place but what the hecks? haha.

The movie ended at 1 and we walked down to selegie and dad came to pick us up. Along the way he dropped them off at his mom's across the road and we said our gdbyes. dad and me headed home and heere i am blogging the moment i got back.

alritey thens. today was quite fun! Guess that's all..

Gd nite world! =)

2008-11-20T11:36:00.000-08:00

Song of the Week for me!

Beyonce - If i were a boy.

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wated
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

[Chorus]
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.

I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

(Chorus)
It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

(Chorus)
But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy.

2008-11-20T10:48:00.000-08:00

OK peeps! Whoever is reading u must be thinking WTF? is this a gal's blog? Well the ans is No. Sorry to dissapoint lol! Nawh.

Ok so just changed the blog skin. JUST. so this is the first post which compliments it. And yea, i feel it's a litle feminine.. well.. kinda like the Masquerade Getup theme. So here it is. Uh.. Seeing that it's late now and it's practically 3 am in the morning, and in about say ugh.. in 10 hrs time or so i'm going for 3 straight FTT E-trial Tests before going for the real one after them. Phew~! sounds tiring just talking and thinking about it.

I'm just gonna make this a short one. =)

These few days have been considered quite gd to me. Feeling a little better and at least i'm a little cheerful at times. Haha guess i have to thank SM Moar Xiang Jiang Bai de Moar Jintia aka. Yu xiang and the group. haha. They really make my day at school. Everyday in sch is just like me going to rehab and having a ball of a time! The classroom is filled with laughter and loud conversations here and there. And well, the laughter is mostly Yu xiang's! then it spreads on to the rest of us. haha. Guess i can truly laugh when i'm with them. Dont really need to pretend or force myself to. haha. Thx ar! you all are Tua AH BAIS!!! Jian Qiang ah!

Now even if i'm alone, atleast i have something to think of to cheer me up. Atleast i'm not emo-ing 24/7 like i used to. Guess it's a start.

But even so, i dont think i can put the past behind me within such a short time. After all, alot has happened. Financially, emotionally and physically. After feeling lost for so long, i'm just getting my bearings right again.

Guess Nurul was right, i have to change my thinking. Instead of hoping for a fairy tail ending with someone i like and thinking of ways to spoil her silly and treat her right, i should just focus on the important matters at hand.. like say.. Financially and physically. =/

Day dreaming about being romanticly invovled wont get me anywhere.. after all this is the real world and not like what you hear in stories or see on Tv.

Hmm.. are there fairy tail endings in this world? Guess not.. haha.

ok i'm gonna go off now. Havent studied for my FTT yet! DIE! was so caught up in the FYP! nOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And just to clear up something..

I may seem really childish at times, probably because i didn't have much of a childhood due to something that happened.. but just you knw, it's childish but not unreasonable.. =) there's always room for understanding. If you just take the time to.

ok so off to quickly pick a random skin for frenster and flip through the book then i'm off to bed.

if there was a soulmate for me, where is she? i would spoil her silly and listen to her.. well.. i guess i should stop..

Gd nites World! :)

2008-11-13T20:28:00.000-08:00

CY, 你说的没錯. 这世界没有天长地久.

好像人生的幸福/爱

当你失去了人生的幸福, 你会觉得很伤心. 好像你心里有一种部分已经死了. 这种感觉会让你失去爱的能力.

我不想这种下去, 如果我没有改变自己那我活在这世界也没有意义.

我祝福你们.

请放心, 这次我会把我对妳的爱给忘了. 我 叶仁和 不会在等你了.

2008-11-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

The sun never fails to shine even after a stormy weather.

After learning about a few things, i'm a little saddened but relieved.

But after all that, comes something else.

dude, i'm nt dreaming anymore.

i wish to have"it" back. =)

Afterall, A leopard nvr changes it's spots.

Just like how some rules cant be broken.

It was foolish.. But all is good now. =)

2008-11-13T08:21:00.001-08:00

today i watched madagascar 2. i'm sure i spelt that wrongly.. oh brother...

haha.. guess in the end i just had to watch it even though i didnt see 1. lol. it was funny and lame at times.. not going to say much.. but just watch it to find out. =) i cried throughout the whole movie though.. lol! well ok nt all the way.. just most of it. Not gonna say why. guess i'm just too sentimental. lol.. or just MENTAL. WOOOWT WOOWT!

haha.. kz i'm just gonna take my baby out for awhile. shall end here. haha.

2008-11-12T00:02:00.000-08:00

你们好! 我回来了! 好久不见!

did you think you saw something wrong? lol..

没有! lol! JIANG BAI! lol! (SM's Language.)

just kidding! haha.. phew took me some time to find and copy + paste. Just gonna go old skool on this post.

on the 10th.. i did something i never thought i'd ever do.. i plucked up my courage to tell a special gal fren how much i liked her. tried to get her on the phone but she was busy and i left her a sms telling her i wanted to talk to her later on in the nite. she replied a little late and said ok but i had to wait.. and i said i'll wait..

few hours passed and then she sent me a sms and i called.. on the phone she was talking so happily about wat she did that day and she moved on to a different topic with a "my mommy sure scold me cause i go out late." haha..

we chatted awhile till she gt home and she asked me if she could bath. The way she said it, was the way she always makes me unable to say no.. because it always melts my heart. i cant explain why, or how.. it just is.. just like the way how i fell for her all over again. =( I thought i put her behind and at present as a good fren.. but seeing hw her ex treated her when they were together always made me boil inside and made me want to reach out to her to comfort her.. but in the end i just couldnt.. and all i did was be mean to her all the while. trying nt to fall for her so hard. at first it seemed to work.. but in the end.. after a few yrs.. the feelings just returned.. perhaps its cause of the times we spent together recently.. i felt closer to her.. but in the end, it was just wishful thinking on my part. i thought i could finally tell her hw i felt about her and perhaps be able to be together with her, giving her the care and concern she deserves.. but it's all in past now.

As she left to take a bath.. i didnt get to tell her exactly how i felt on the phone.. i wanted to tell her to give me a few mins to talk.. but after all that waiting.. my courage just left me.. when she put down the phone.. i felt really angry with myself and pushed myself to sms her.. i sent her 3 long smses to tell her hw i felt and asking for a chance.. perhaps because of hw nervous i was.. i nvr got to tell her alot of other things.. but it doesnt change much even if i did i guess.. haha.. beacuse whatever i've done or said before.. she doesnt really remember it was me.. she only remembers hearing someone saying it.. and whenever it happens i just feel a little hurt.. like i was invisible and even if i was spending a great time with her today, she might just forget who she spent it with a few days later.. =( i remember when u held my hand tightly when we were watching a scarey movie. It made my heart feel warm and i didnt feel like letting go..

the next morning around 10.50am i received a message from her.. a message telling me she's sorry and let's just be frens.. and that she just got together with someone.. perhaps it was the way i typed the smses or i was really too late..
i was sad.. but i replied her a few mins aft recieving the sms. Accepting her friendship. I guess it really is better than losing her totally.. =)

i really didnt mean to fall for you.. but i just did.. i know that i cant do anything much. But i will keep to being that shoulder fren. if you need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear to just hear you talk.. i'll be there.

And just like always.. From the bottom of my heart. I really wish for you to be happy and i hope u'll be happy with him! =)

i'm doing too much of these.. it hurts so badly when you have to see the one you love get together with someone else and really wishing that they'll be happy.. but if it's for the best.. then i have to step up and see it through.. =/

2008-08-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

"Silence was his escape, But silence is rarely a refuge. In the end, his thoughts caught up with him and started to eat at him from inside out."

I don't think i'll ever get to see the days where all the care in the world couldn't reach me.

Once again, Mr. Despair is back. Probably here to stay. =( [ Zetsubo ]

The Me now, probably would be better off staying away from people. Least i cause more trouble.

People say move on, but what's there to move on when nothing really happened and all that did take place was just like a dream.

- Another boring 'picture-less' post. =) = =/ =(

2008-08-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

Jibber Jabber. Pits of glamour. exploding chickens and flying skinny pigs.

- The previous entry was just burnt off.

2008-06-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

He's a walking time bomb! Bound to self-desctruct! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!! - JRH

2008-06-07T00:22:00.001-07:00

Someone once asked me if i had made wrong decisions in my life and whether i had any regrets.

At that time, i replied her without a thought, "No. There have been wrong decision but no regrets".

I guess i didnt really stop to think because i thought i was happy with what i have.. But if i were to be asked the same question now. the answer would be different.

I regret nt going to england. away from this mess. The reason i stayed, just doesnt seem worth it at all anymore. i believe i have made the wrong decision. Guess all i can say is i should have listened to the saying, " dont live for others, live for yourself." Because when you live for others, You'll tend to have a certain expectation of them and you're bound to get major dissapointment when they let down your expectations of them.

I'll be taking the next offer i get to england. This time nothings gonna hold me back. i'm going for good after my NS. I need to be away from this place.

2008-04-09T20:20:00.000-07:00

they say love is something undescribable.

we just know it as a feeling we feel towards another person. Something mutual. an undescribable feeling that makes us do things we usually dont do or say. In which if we were asked to explain it, we could only reply by saying i feel for you. accompanied by a sense of longing for that someone when they're not around, The constant curosity of what they're doing or feeling at that very moment, The overwhelming sense of happiness when receiving a sweet message from that someone that could last for days on end, The Heart melting feeling when you found out that someone did something special just for you, That sweet feeling of satisfication when you know that, that someone is thinking of you all the time and no other.

Well all i wrote wasn't based on experience, just what i've noticed from the people around me.

indeed love is undescribable. Because with love comes many different types of feelings and one feeling alone cant describe it.

a question i've been asking god for some time. " Where is the love? " i just can't seem to find it.

stan was rite, a broken man can't find love. Only a special someone can bring love to a broken man.

If i could have just one wish, i'd wish to forget about all that has happened and start afresh.

I never want to say " I Messed up" ever again..

With this i just want to make it clear to myself and everyone who cares for me that, From now on, I'll learn to love myself even more and i will live a better life. I wont see those shades of grey anymore. I may get lost at times, but i'll find my way through with a compass.

Gal, saw your profile. I wish you happiness. Hope he's really the one for you & he gives u happiness. =)

2008-04-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

19 going on 20. just a few months away.

well these past few weeks have been fulfilling. Never been so busy in my life before.

Had fun thx guys! but with fun there also comes the aftermath.

Totally worned out, my body's practically begging for more sleep.

They say the First step to recovery is admitting.

So... Here it goes.

I'm a shy person, always scared, there's nt a time when i dun feel less scared.. i'm always shy around girls, hardly feel confident, inferiority complexed. Bad at expressing hw i feel. always getting lost. yea in singapore too. always making bad decisions. stubborn. stand alone complexed.

well i cant think of anymore stuff, just a goner.

dun knw when i'm gonna be blogging next but it wont be long before soon. eh.

so little things to write, so many things ta' say.

2008-03-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

Just thought of a topic today. Maturity. Being Matured.

What's the true meaning of being matured?

To Me, I believe a matured person isn't one who always claims that their matured and acting all "i'm older than you" and acting all cool and boring.

Being mature ta me means, Being able to handle situations or whatever comes your way smoothly. Come what may.

A Matured person is :

Decisive. - Able to make sensible Decisions no matter what the situation.

Understanding. - Able to Put themselves in other peoples shoes and have an understanding of where those people are coming from.

Not Judgemental. - Able to be unbiased and gather all the information before finally coming to a conclusion.

Humble. - Able to be content just by knowing their good points and not Boast about it to people.

Appreciative. - Able to appreciate life, People & whatever it throws at them.

So far that's all i can think of. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone. Just Stating a fact and what i feel.

Ta' me. It ain't important if ppl find me mature or immature. To me, i just want to live life the way i should and the way i want to. Things like this aren't so impt, no matter hw mature u wanna be or act, there'll always be a fun side of you. Which most ppl would put u down by saying ur childish. But who isn't childish every now and then? =)

It's time to face facts. Piece by Piece. Word for word.

Whatever it is, life just gt shorter. Day by day. Learn to enjoy life before you lose the chance to ever do so.

- That's all folks.

2008-03-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

"Within the 4 corners, Behind closed doors. These are the only things in this place which is my safe heaven. Safe from all the hurtful things that are being said. The pointless bickerings. The emotional Blackmail. The Undeniable truth. The unhappiness.

Just like hw my body lies in waste, so does my heart. Locked away from the rest of the world. As i searched for the key to my lock. I lost sight of it once again. Till the day it is found again, who ever holds the key to it, please take it away. I do not want my heart to belong to me any longer. Take it and it shall be yours forever.

Once again broken into pieces. Mr. Despair came knock knock Knocking on my door. i'm sorry i broke again. would you fix me Mr. Creator?" - author : Mr . J . R . H

i just sold a part of me for a quater of a million. Nice eh.

2008-03-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

i messed up big time. I thought i could completely get over the whole loving someone secretly part. It really isnt easy isnt it? =( seeing ur msn nick today made me feel really down. but it's all my fault because my feelings made me put myself in this position. My feelings for u are making it so hard for me to talk to u. it makes my mind blank and makes me go all shy and clumsy around you. i guess all i can ever do is stand at a distance and see you being happy with the ppl around you. The countless times i had the urge to call you and wanting to tell you hw much i like you are just too many. during those times, my heart would beat really fast and after keying in your number, i'd just give up cause i felt i just couldn't do it but when i finally did call u aft the last day of the it show at nite, u didnt pick up.. guess i always have a bad timing whenever it comes to contacting u.

Yea, Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Since i first saw you, u made my heart beat really fast, in a way i nvr thought would ever happen in my life. So much that it always make me sweat alot everytime i see you and it would make me seem like i just finished running a marathon. Everything you say or do seems perfect to me. I like you for the way you are & not just because of your looks. The times i spend with you are priceless and it's always feels like the happiest time of my life so much that it keeps me wanting to meet up with you even more often.

The way you play with your hair, giggle, laugh, get excited and when you're shy makes me feel like you're the cutest person in the world. But due to various reasons i didn't till a few wks before valentines day when i finally plucked up the courage to ask you, but it didnt happen in the end. I guess i should have told you at the start so i'd know where i stand.. I really felt like telling you hw i feel just nw, but seeing that you already have someone in your heart, it made me stop & i didnt. I just don't know what to do now. I'm really stumped this time round. It's really hard to be just a fren to you when all i can think of is doing romantic things for you, sharing the rest of my life with you & treating you right just like a princess. I'm sorry to tell you this gal, but i think i've really fallen in love with you. I'm sorry that i can't tell you straight the face because of my shy nature. If you're reading this & you feel the same way.. pls give me a call or a sign..

But if you don't, just remember.. whenever you feel like no one loves you, standing beside your family & your closest frens, there was a guy named Ren He who fell in love with you, still feels the same way now & probably will always do. Whether things work out or doesn't i will always be there for you if you need me.

They say if you really love someone, you'd love them for who they are, who they've become and who they're gonna be. simply love them for the way they are. I feel that way.

i can't say much abt myself as a bf. but 1 thing i do knw is that i'm the guy that would tuck you in at nite, send you sweet gd nite msgs, listen to your problems and try to solve them, make a fool of myself just to cheer you up whenever you're sad, lend you my shoulder to cry on if needed, always look out for your best interests, accompany you to the doctors if you feel unwell, reminds you to take ur medicine and tries nt to sound naggy, hug you and remind you hw much i care for u if u feel unloved, share new a different experiences with you, try to suprise you with something special on every important day, nvr cheat on you, treat you right & accept you for the way you are, listen to you talk abt jay chou & chris brown and try nt to feel jealous & so much more.. gal, would you make me the happiest man in the world by going out with me?

2008-03-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

That was THEN. This is NOW. just felt like saying that! haha. I fell one too many times and when i thought it was gone, i fell agn for that same person. But rite nw i feel things are so different.

I guess what i wanna do nw is find something i can make my own. music? always wanted to learn the guitar. Well you can say maybe it's because a certain someone had left a really great impression on me. Perhaps while playing the guitar, it's make me feel closer to you. Though you aren't here in this world anymore, you'll always be here in my memories. =)

and one day when i grow old, i hope to travel around the world with just me, my guitar and my love. =)

I'll be moving ahead first. Catch me if you can. =)

2008-03-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

Woke up from an hr's slp today and left the house at 7.30am today. reached sch around 8am. today's exam was quite simple just that i had to go and forget all abt some questions. i think i threw away 30 marks atleast. sheesh. well wat's done is done. i'm nt gonna dwell in it anymore. Hope the next semester will be better.

Was supposed to meet Elson early today but he was a little late so went into the exam hall first. after the exam, went to Noods to eat western food. Yea another normal day in sch today agn. Sadly there isn't much things in sch to spark up my life. Another yr more in this godforsaken sch before i can finally graduate. Cheers to that peeps.

Rite nw i'm just gonna work and study for my BTT. These are the things that keep me busy and it feels so much better being busy than emo-ing in a corner at home. No matter hw i keep trying to change, i cant help but still think of what will i do if i had a beautiful gal as my little miss everything to me. Guess it's still the same as it has always have been. To put her first in anything i do or think of, To make everyday with her special & to spoil her silly. And if she's sad, cheer her up wif lame actions or jokes. If she's bored or lonely, chat with her. If she's tired or if she wants to cry badly, lend her my shoulders. If she doesn't feel love, give her a warm hug and a kiss on the forehead to assure her everything's alrite and that she is loved.

You probably think this is all talk. But it's just naming only a few things i really want to do for that special gal. If you really knw me, you'd knw i'd give 300% the effort when i really mean to do something.

But lets leave it as this here. The hopeless romantic side of me is flowing out.

rite nw i dun knw where we stand. Are we frens? or are we just aquaintances? or are we nothing to each other at all and i just imagined things rite from the start? it seems like i'm talking to the wall most of the time and because u dun reply.. it makes me come down to the decision of giving up because u probably might think i'm becoming a nuisance just like Ray. i really do miss the times when i messaged u and u would reply instantly. I really don't know what happened and the way things are now. I'd give as many yrs of my lifespan as possible just to know what's on ur mind. This will probably be the last time i mention you in my blog. I'm going to walk away from all these problems. Amnesia would seem very attractive rite nw. it'll be just like giving a billion dollars to a beggar on the street.

2008-03-10T23:52:00.000-07:00

Thinking of watching "step up 2 : the streets" in cinemas. dying to see it on the big screens! thinking of asking some peeps to go. but haven't really thought of anyone who hasn't seen it yet. most of the ppl i knw have already watched it online or on pirated dvds/vcds. haha. this show is a must watch on the big screen! >.< dammit!!

Looks like the result of hollywood scriptwriters being under-paid is really showing. We have movies like SHUTTER, The EYE, The Ring & The Grudge ( ju - on) being remade into hollywood movies. Wonder if it'll get even worse. Hope not! haha.

Suddenly rmb abt some scenes in "Meet the spartans".

- the father wrestling with the son and ending it with a piledriver which the mother shouted for!

- The Pit of Death getting filled with alot of famous and infamous celebs. The Paula Abdul part was really alike! can say it was atleast 99% alike.

- "Happy Feet" aka Angry feet eat my dropkick penguin!

- The Greetings in "Sparta". Hi-5s! for the women & Tongue in mouth Kisses for Men!

- The "sex scene" when actually he was just using her as a bench press weight.

- The part aft the "sex scene" where he lovingly carressed his wife's body only to find out she has been laid by alot of guys. with them signing on her body.

- The "stomp the yard" scene where he did the finishing move and broke his neck and still managed to stand up and put it back tgt.

- The naked scene of his private part looking exactly like a Ken doll from BARBIE.

- the part where he said his "last words of a father to son" to a midget.

- the ugly betty as the oracle part & the leeper licking her on her face and in her nose using his tongue. UGH!!! XD

- The way they "marched" to battle / hopping. haha.

- The "god king" pulling out his nipple and then stapling it back again. yuck!

- The part where he said " Today is the we die!! er wait tt's wrong. i mean today is the day they die, they die!" with that face haha.

- "This is Sparta!" -saliva splats on the messengers face-

- The Rocky balboa part where he punches off Leonides's head in one punch & his father takes revenge for him earning him a Heavy weight title and dying from a "God king's spear" through a cheapshot through the back.

- The ending credits part.

And the JOKE of the whole SHow. most ppl might nt get it but, hw the hell does he have a son when he doesnt even have a Penis? it was bitten off by some animal when they tortured him in the first part of the movie. hahaha! must belong to either the gardner guy or one of those men that laid his wife. nowonder his son doesnt seem like him. XD

2008-03-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

today i almost fainted in work today. on the way to work had bad gastric and kept going toilet during the show.. swear it's getting worser and worser each time i kana. puked in the toilet before the crowd came in. 2 days in a row. hope it doesnt happen agn tml.

today a few things happened in work. accidents and misunderstandings. but let's just cut it short. my batt's running low.

Kz! so aft this work ends tml! back to studies! gt my emaths exam and BTT coming. Today thought i saw wqq at the it fair but i didnt. lucky didnt call out her name if nt sure ps. she told me she didnt go there. just wanna thx her for the sweet msgs and wishes. i have to do well! haha.

2008-03-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

shit! WARREN LIM! XD messaged me on my way home just nw. " You have FAILED for ur mock exam! Pls come to sch on wed #05-11 to have revision if nt ur exam sure fail!" FUCK! XD

ok so work hasn't been too bad. haven't been emo for awhile nw. tt's gd. anyways i jsut want to apologize to the ppl involved in some of my previous posts. i'm sry i said things which i shouldnt have said and i'm really sry.

today was the day i did that "deh mumbai dah~ india!!!" m1 ad rip off agn! haha. damn funny lah. hai i type more abt it tml. really tired.. gonan slp nw.

nites world. =)

2008-02-13T07:52:00.000-08:00

"Nothing hurts most than realizing that you've just missed out on something great that could have change your life dramatically in a really good way." These things happen. Sometimes you don't know about it & sometimes you get to know about it just after losing it.

Red with anger

Green with envy

Blue with Tranquillity

Yellow with dismay

Pink with Shyness

mommy mommy mommy, momma momma momma, mother mother mother, mom mom mom!
just wanna say thx for the V.day gift even though i knw u bought it for urself but coincidentally rmb it was V.day tml and giving it to me. =)

love u still the same. unconditionally. always. forever will be.

2008-01-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

hmm.. today i got a little bored and walked to the park around 6pm. took my psp along wif me and listened to cai hong and pu gong ying de yue ding. was kinda learning hw ta sing when an old man came to talk to me.

found out he's 89 this yr. he talked to another indian guy around us before talking to me but he was rude and walked off when the old man talked to him. sry i forgot to ask ur name T.T i'll call u uncle Thai for nw because he loved talking abt his life in thailand. felt really sad when uncle thai told me abt his life story.. there were some happy parts too though. we talked abt travelling, his family and his great grand children! wow must really be gd to be able to see ur great grand kids.. we talked till 9pm when i had to go back home cause of gastric pains.. walked him back to his house before going home. guess i'll stop here. =)

before i forget, i was so happy when uncle thai said he enjoyed talking to me.. will nvr forget the look on his face when he told me that. it was heart warming. his tears of joy.. nvr thought i could ever bring happiness to anyone in my life. tt was one of the time in my life tt i felt so happy i was of use to someone. =) guess most ppl might say i'm mad, but the no.1 thing i love to do is really just to make ppl happy. especially ppl i care abt. makes me super happy knwing that tt i've made them happy. guess it's almost time for me to start cracking and make loads of money. gotta earn loads of it to treat alot of ppl. =) just u wait world, i'm gonna make a comeback with a boom! haha.

- Gd bye, Mr. Despair and HELLO, Mr. Brightside!

2008-01-08T05:56:00.000-08:00

First day at sch today, damn boring. was messaging rabbit throughout the whole day. thx rabbit! wouldnt knw what to do if u didnt sms me. haha. thx for keeping me company through sms. teacher made me read out the whole explanation of the new topic we're studying.. ahhh! hate reading infront of everyone XD have stage fright still.. wonder hw i'm gonna cope when we have to present in the life skills class. -dohhs~!-

haha well the rabbit went to slp in the aft cause she was super tired. stayed at sch at the usual place till the raining became lighter. still gt caught wet by the drizzling and water tt the car splashed frm going over a puddle. to make things worse had tummy ache the whole day ah~~ almost died in the bus on the way back home. almost poopied in my pants but didnt haha! well first thing i did when i gt home u shld be able to tell.. haha. aft that took a nap and woke up due to a nightmare..

hmm.. talking to rabbit on msn rite nw but cant really cheer her up. if i only knw hw to.. =( sometimes i really wish i knew the ans to everything. haha. hmm.. racking my brains nw.. hope i find something to cheer her up wif nw so she wouldnt have to go to bed moodless. neh neh really is a kuku bird ya.. lol. hmm.. maybe i shld get her to sing more or listen to some nice songs haha.. will stop here.

-if i was the rain, i'd wash away all ur tears. =)

2008-01-06T09:19:00.000-08:00

haha another day spent chatting wif ya on msn. enjoyed it as always. =) hope to see more of the happy and cheerful u as much as possible haha. after all u have been such a gd fren during this time. really love being ya fren. and well cant really say it to ya face but, u can count on me! =) i'll nvr betray u, my black and white furry, carrot stick loving, cute and kind fren! haha. and ofcourse mr.bunny with the angry face haha! hope i can always keep ya happy that smile on ur face whenever we talk yea. stay cool and safe ya! haha.

Ah! just remembered i dun have sch on mondayss! yatta!! just checked my "kiam chai" timetable! nvr was i happier seeing it than today! another one day's grace! 1 perfect little holiday! or just another day to keep my act together before going back to sch on tuesday.. ahhh... hope i get over and done with, with this course.. so want to do smth else if i go to poly! AHH! well i'm starting to plan for my future because it's time i stopped beinga kid and grow up.someone gave me the inspiration haha and well gonna be 20 this yr.. never thought this day or yr might ever happen haha! very soon i'll be welcomed into the world of uncles and will have to look presentable and set gd examples for the little ones haha. -yea rite! if i can do it i'd be married by the age of 25! lol! -

well look who's talking? it's me? haha. well whatever the future might hold for me, i sure hope it's a gd one! i wanna start enjoying my life even more if possible.. =) nvr knw what might happen! =(

2008-01-04T23:52:00.000-08:00

ah! just woke up! - stretches!- was a gd slp till derek kept calling me for abt 3 times haha. derek u ain't gonna sex me up! lol! haha! hmmm.. yesterday's outing wif the rabbit was fun! though there were times i didnt knw wat to talk abt.. we watched AVP2 or like she said, PVA2! XD hahaha! actually there isnt much of a diff.. just alphabetical order lol. but the way she said it damn cute sia haha! the movie was nice but we both agreed the ending was rushed through.. ended too fast lol. haha didnt really notice till she pointed out we were both wearing a White-T and black skinnies. haha. ofcourse there were differences. i had a cap, she didnt. she wore slippers, i wore shoes. wHORe? haha. whore whore whore! merry christmas! XD.

aft the movie we went back to her place first cause she had a curfew. waited at the playground under her flat for abt an hr till her parents went off to malaysia and she could run out and ton with me. haha. we thought for awhile before deciding to go to the 7-11 nearby to buy "bei bei mian" andwe walked quite abit to find tables and chairs before eating and chit chating haha. this phycho rabbit wants to rape chris brown! XD cant wait to see him come to singapore if he ever does! haha will be sure to call the rabbit and see what she's doing. lol. hmm.. aft finishing our noodles we sat there and rabbit started making tissue paper wanton. kiddy! XD haha. hmm aft awhile there were some parts where we had nth to talk abt and we just listened to songs frm rabbit's pink psp. we left it on too loud and there was an a lady who came down telling us to turn down the volume if nt ppl will call the police. btw that lady brought 4 dogs one by by down for a toilet break.

haha this entry is a bit long, gonna cut it short. aft that we talked more abt some stuff.. before realizing it was 4.30 haha. aft that we just walked back to her house and along the way kept practicing a chinese sentence. ahh still cant get it rite! hohoho~ wonder if rabbit managed to whistle by nw haha! just asked her on msn, let's just see what she says. well we reached her block and saw her go up the lift. aft that i walked blindly till i found the mrt tracks and followed it blindly till i reached jurong east mrt station. went up to the pltform, got in the train. droped at bishan and took 53 home. walked to home frm the bus stop only to find the door latched and parents didnt pick up the phone so waited for abt an hr before ringing the door bell at 8am. gt in, greeted my mom and then took a cold bath before slping.

thx rabbit for the outing! haha was 1 of my happiest ton-ing moments! if could, would like to hang out wif ya more haha. hmmm and i will keep my promise, better get my driving license asap! haha.rabbit if ur reading this let me knw when u wanna go chom chom yea? =)

lalala~

2008-01-03T06:01:00.000-08:00

it's 10:04pm rite nw and i'm updating my blog as requested by a rabbit that i knw lol! her name is Mandy the rabbit! well we're chatting in msn rite nw, well mostly waiting for her replies cause she's a little busy haha. she's a fun rabbit to talk to and i'm just getting to knw more abt her. And no! dun ask me hw i know hw to speak rabbit language. we can understand each other i think. haha. well just waiting to see what other things this rabbit can do haha. but 1 thing i can say is it's really nice to knw her hope we can stay in touch for as long as possible haha. hmm wonder if i'll have enough carrots to last tt long XD. still rmb the first time i saw her was when jh tried to take her number when she was working at taka on "display" lol! still rmb hw jh kept asking me wat to say to her in the sms's. was quite busy that nite helping him think haha. hmm.. okies my brain's tired nw.. getting lazy.. cant think of anything else to say. till next time folks! lol!

2007-08-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

well we just had a tiff just nw. u probably wont remember it or maybe again u would. just wanna say hopefully u would make good on ur words. i did what i did for a few reasons. but most importantly i hope u have found ur resolve. u were rite only abt 1 thing. u werent arnd much and even if u did we didnt really get to bond much. =) so u would never understand me. it's nt because i'm pessimistic but let's nt get into the details. perhaps u would nvr read this. but i thought i should just type it out. better my gadgets then ppl anyways heh. even if i did type out the reason it would be pointless. let's just say my life is like that and it has molded me into this figure which u think u knw. anyways even u've misunderstood me. well all i can say is everyone doesn't get my point. u talked abt understanding ppl but have u ever seen what i have done beefore? guess not. maybe cause i'm gd at covering up alot of things i've done. my fate? i'm fated to be a grumpy old man all by himself. but then again i might nt make it all the way. but i guess u wouldnt knw either. =)

just wanna say i want the best for u. even if it means u might end up nvr talking to me again or even hate me for what i've done. as long as u change. it's all worth it. i can say alot of ppl dun like me or even hate me. 1 more wouldnt make a diff to my life. even it's u. because i'm on the verge of giving up on life itself. just wanna make sure u can take care of urself cause i dunno if i would be around anymore. probably 1 day u might understand what i've done. and again maybe not. but i hope it does help u open ur eyes.

now i understand why nana gave u ur name.. haha.. it's because u want to love and be loved. it's really u. because u represent love. the name does suit u. nana was rite to give u ur name.. haha. she was always so perfect to me. i nvr once thought nana was wrong. well there's things u shld knw abt urself. which i hope u would change.. ur fickle minded.. haha.. yea str to the point. must make sure u really want to do it before saying it out. haha. words are really empty.. they dun carry as much weight as actions. guess u learnt it by nw but i shld just leave it as a reminder.. dun always give in to the 1 u love. cause it doesnt help at all, just makes it even worse when it's time for confrontation. smokings bad for health. u shld stop. u say u dun bottle up ur feeligns anymore so i hope that's changed already as well. as well as ur uptightness. haha. well it isn't really that wrong to be uptight u knw? in this world ppl play different roles. if u took a careful look, u'd see. some ppl just have to be the way they. it might affect ppl in either a good or bad way. we cant control everything u knw? just like hw u cant really control ur temper when ur angry. the role i play, i dun really need to say.

and u said if i were u, i'd do the same as u rite nw. truthfully i would have to say yes. but my job rite nw is just to help u see some of the mistakes ur making terribly. cause if i were in ur shoes and u were in mine, i'd say u'd do the same as me. so it's just a matter of what happens to who and who does what to help. just hope what i've done has helped u in a way. i may be lonely for the rest of my life, but i wouldnt nvr ever want the same for u.
so here i am rite nw hoping u'd change and be someone really great nxt time yea? =)

u might hate me,
u might nt talk to me the same way,
but i just want to say..
i love u sis. =)
guess this is all i can do for u.
& yes i'm pretty much fucked up already. but this is me =)

Feelings

2007-05-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

this is so crappy.. why cant i get u out of my head..? it's killing me.. ur beautiful smile, ur sweetness, ur sarcasm,the way u keep bugging me to stay awake and nt fall aslp. everything u do surprises me and keeps me wondering what's going to happen next.. if only.. .. .... .. ........ =( man i keep tossing in bed again.. why cant i sleep these few days? what the hell's wrong with me?

Jie

2007-05-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hey jie, u may nt know it.. but i do miss ya at home.. do come home soon k? though i dont really show it, but i'm really grateful to have u as my real sis =) knw it's been hard on u these past few yrs too.. thanks for taking care of all of us.. will do my best to lighten ur load.. just hang on. see you when u get back..

what can i say..?

2007-05-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i truly felt like blogging, guess this is just one of those times.. what can i say? i've said what i should have said, felt what i should've felt.. but that feeling is stil lingering around somewhere deep in my heart.. why? why?why?why? why must it happen now.. just when everything started to get better.. i suddenly feel so weird.. so indifferent.. i often hate it when it comes to ppl who easily fall for alot of ppl at 1 time.. but why is it happening to me? sometimes the feelings come and go.. Man! and i just so wanted to fix the main probs in my life.. i hope for strength to overcome all this.. man this sucks.. and i dun really know what i want to do in life.. spent loads of time on the com today didnt go cause it was just 1 boring navy talk.. man havent been sleeping well these past few months.. dunno what the hell's up with me. hope i can fix everything in my life ASAP. it's troublesome, frustrating and infuritating. it'll be the 13th yr soon ever since all these unwanted trouble that stole my happiness away from me started. rite nw, i'm gonna try my best to get up on my own 2 feet. DAMN it's so troublesome picking up after a mess that's nt urs.. ='(

2007-05-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

hmmm.. back with this skin. dang i'm tired. haha. well's here's a shortie.. the whole of today felt so fan(irritated) and sleepy.. couldnt sleep the whole nite, was tossing and turning in diff directions on my bed. GAWD WTH happened to me? i was feeling so F*d up the whole morning.. was roaming around sch during break time with tho and her frens. gosh, i'm so lucky they're frenly if nt i may nt have made any frens during this yr. but it didnt really help much. till i FINALLY met mei (vivi my only mei =x ) today! i asked mei to pei wo to go bedok inter together. so i waited for her after sch. ^^ we didnt have much time tgt, bt i felt so much better after talking to her even for just a little bit ^^ really hope can keep in contact with mei as long as i live wor. haha. [ Thanks mei for ur company today! ] kor hope can help mei in future too as well ^^.

Kz. Am tired. so soooooo tired..

-yawns-

I'm off.

2007-05-06T00:18:00.001-07:00

testing 1, 2 3.